Are You a Tyrant When You Are Angry?

Most relationships have one person who is a pursuer, and one person who is a distancer. These roles can change in different social settings and with different topics of conversation, but generally each member of a dyad plays one of these roles more often that the other.

When you are upset and something has been really bothering you, it is common for a pursuer to initiate a fight by barging into the personal space of the partner and declaring (as much with your non-verbal behavior as what you actually say), “I am upset, and we are going to talk about this right now!!!” You sound as if you have become an Army captain, and you are using your authority to command the movements of your troops. You have moved into a top-down tone of discourse, and you are talking to the enlisted men who have no choice but to stand there and listen to you as long as you want to talk.

When you demand your partner’s attention because you are upset, you are essentially shooting yourself in the foot. Your presumptuousness typically backfires. It drives the distancer into a psychological withdrawal and prolongs the unhappiness and fighting. Then you become a tempest in a teapot; full of sound and fury and having no effect in the real world. After you have sounded off for a while, which may include yelling and name calling (and other self-defeating agendas), you begin to notice how distant and remote your partner is behaving and how impotent you feel, even if you are loud.

The helplessness that comes with realizing you are getting nowhere can be very demoralizing. Rarely will you have the perspective to see that you helped produce the stalemate by the way you began the conversation.

Here is the task: Practice a slow start up. There are several aspects to this skill. First of all, it is very respectful to make an appointment with your spouse. This shows your spouse that you value his/her time and want to talk when he/she is ready to give you his/her full attention. Waiting half an hour and having a partner who is really present is much better than rendering yourself helpless shouting at a wall. Secondly, begin the conversation with an acknowledgement of the relationship. Launching right into your complaints and criticism might feel good to you as you blow off steam, but it tends to send the withdrawer into another universe. An appreciation might sound like this: “I love you deeply, and I really value our relationship. There is something troubling me that I want to talk about. Is this a good time, or can we set an appointment for later this evening?”

Other related “slow start-up skills” are also useful. If past arguments have melted down after 40+ minutes, agree up front to stop this discussion after 30 minutes. Speak about your concern and limit yourself to 6-7 minutes; then ask your partner to reflect back what he/she heard your concerns to be. Then give your spouse equal time to state his/her side of the story, after which you will reflect back what you hear his/her primary concern to be.

Moderation of energy and anger is the key element. Remember that if you take up too much time, space, volume, and intensity, your partner will be driven back into a self-protective walled-off silence. If you want a productive and a balanced fight, you must pull your energy down. As you learn the art of starting intense conversations gently, you will reap the benefit of a partner who does not withdraw (as much as in the past), and who will likely share much more of him/herself with you as the conversation stays moderate and your spouse feels safe enough to speak.

by Dr. Howard Lambert