Moving Beyond the Power Struggle

Posted by centerRR in Counseling, Couples, Couples Counseling, Couples Therapy, Individual Counseling, Individual Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Therapy, Married People, personal growth, Relationship, Relationship Counseling, Therapy on Jan 11th, 2012
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Remember the song that said “For everything…, turn, turn turn, there is a season…, turn turn, turn.” This is a phrase from Ecclesiastes that provides deep reflection on some automatic behaviors in relationships. After the “Romantic Stage” of all relationships there comes a period in which the partners feel hurt and betrayed by each other. This is often referred to as the “Power Struggle”. At this time conflicts are not resolved and resentments begin to build up inside both partners.

Many people handle this stage by turning away from the other person. It just feels safer and less fraught with frustration and grief. The endless repetitions of all too familiar fights are avoided by shutting down, stonewalling the conversation, and turning inward. This can have devastating effects on a love relationship.

Unbeknownst to you, your partner feels lost and abandoned. S/he feels unimportant and unloved by you as you stop talking and control your own reactivity through silence. What you are doing to feel secure and to avoid the conflict feels provocative and offensive to your partner. Obviously this is not going to move the relationship closer.

What is required here feels counter-intuitive. You must stop your retreat and turn toward your partner. You must abandon the security of your fortress of silence and approach your partner with an open hand and a curious mind set. What you say is not as important as making the approach with warmth and a desire to be closer to your friend.

~ Dr. Howard Lambert

Being Present: Avoiding the Reactivity Trap

Posted by centerRR in Counseling, Couples, Couples Counseling, Couples Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Therapy, Married People, personal growth, Relationship, Relationship Counseling on Dec 27th, 2011
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Here’s a concept that I’ve been finding really helpful of late. It’s called “The Shelf,” and it’s the place where I can rest my “baggage” when I find that my buttons are getting pushed by something. The best example I can think of is when I’m trying – REALLY trying – to listen to something that my partner is explaining, and I find myself getting triggered. The idea is that I go, ‘Aha! I’m about to fall into the “reactivity trap.” I need to take “my stuff” and put it on the shelf, so I can be truly present here.’ It’s an active decision to not pay any attention to my own internal triggering. Maybe later I can take it down and explain my side of things. Or maybe I can just leave it up there . . . ?

Mike Misgen, LPC

PRESUMING SANITY

Posted by relationshipreflections in Counseling, Couples, Couples Counseling, Couples Therapy, Individual Counseling, Individual Therapy, Individuals, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Therapy, Married People, personal growth, Relationship, Relationship Counseling, Therapy on Aug 9th, 2011
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We have probably all had the experience of being in the middle of a fight with our partner and thinking to our self… “That is absurd. How can you possibly think that? You have got it all wrong.” It is my contention that those thoughts are an indication that I have totally lost my neutrality and that my non-verbal behavior is about to become dismissive, invalidating and maybe even condescending.
I generally know my partner to be thoughtful and reasonable. Why do I doubt that now? Well it is probably because she is disagreeing with me. She sees something differently from me. My sense of self is threatened and I feel an urge to fight back and assert my superior knowledge or right to my own opinion. It is actually my own insecurity that is taking command of the ship.
If I presume that everything she says, thinks and does makes total sense (to her) from within her own perspective I would never look down on her and become arrogant and dismissive. If her ideas do not make sense to me it means that I have not taken the time to inquire into her world view to see how it makes sense to her. That needs to be my next job at those moments.
When I say, “You are not making sense!” I am actually saying, “You are not making MY sense.” How pompous I must sound at those moments.
~ Dr. Howard Lambert

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